Bad Puns – Chapter One

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.

I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.